Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
