I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
