just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
