Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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