Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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