I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
