Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
