when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
