He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
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He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
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Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
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