Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
