I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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