Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
