NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
