You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
