i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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