Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
