Sponge bath it is.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
