does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
