Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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