So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
