I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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