sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
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I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
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found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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