I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
