Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You need Xanax blowdarts
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
