Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
My cat gives me a boner
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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