you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
