just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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