1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
my poor anus
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
