Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
