Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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