girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Enjoy the penises
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
