That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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