I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
