I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
