Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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