if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Every concussion has its silver lining
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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