We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
