dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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