I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
