Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
