Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
