Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
