he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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