I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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