dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
