I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
