I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
