did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
