Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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