Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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