Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
