Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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