I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
