lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
